The Art of Second Guessing

Yesterday was probably my most stressful day at work. I felt others conveying strong messages and reinforcing an unshakeable vibe via their body language, and I felt flush and fearful of being fired.

All day I was punishing myself for second guessing my value. Of course I was fine. I wasn’t being fired. I know that the whole “managing client” part of my account role (see Polite Society) was a problem to my boss but it couldn’t be that bad… Except for the fact that he was distancing himself. And I felt it was my time.

That evening I didn’t sleep much.

End of day today, my boss called me into a conference room. Uh-oh. With HR next to him. And I knew it was really happening. They couldn’t make the account role work. It didn’t fit before I was hired and, although everyone tried to make it work, and I was extremely talented, he decided to eliminate the position. We had agreed earlier that I didn’t want to do sales – I had burned out. I guess the message was clear – he didn’t want account services, he wanted business development. It was a bad romance from the start. We wanted two different things.

He was complimentary and said he felt bad. Like everyday when I was bumping into walls (namely certain sand boxes), or he was clipping my wings, knowing how hard I was trying to fit into their culture.

Two months ago, when I was in the position of wanting to leave, he told me I hadn’t made the wrong decision. So what changed? Well, I guess it was really not a good fit. At least I got a “package”.

And now I have more time. Yes indeed! Of course, I need to stop beating up myself (maybe start meditating) and I plan to go through my checklist of things I’ve been meaning to do before I start to look for work again.

First things first: COLOR MY HAIR.


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